The Mad Adventures of Lillian Riddle
by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: When Voldemort's orphaned eleven year old daughter ends up travelling the world in a doubledecker bus with wizard hitchhikers, you know it's gonna be fun. Very weird crack!fic. ABANDONED unless inspiration strikes.
1. Discoveries

"_Lillian Riddle thinks that the Harry Potter books are just that, books …until the day she finds herself chatting with a snake. Lillian ends up on an adventure round the world to discover information about her father, the wizarding world, and most importantly, herself._"

Author's note: This story is AU after GoF, and my vision of it is as a sort of cross between the usual 'Voldemort-has-a-daughter' fic and the wonderful fanfic _Make a Wish_ by Rorschach's Blot (I recommend you read it, BTW).

Harry will be a bit more Slytherin in this than in the books. I make no apologies for this. Harry's got Voldie after him: he _needs_ to be a bit more Slytherin. I always thought he as very stupid not to be. I consider his lack of academic effort stupid, too – if Voldemort were after _me_, I'd be doing everything I possibly could to try and even the odds against me. It's just basic common sense. How Harry's survived for so long in the books, I don't know. He's got a lot of luck.

Oh, and I'm not going to even try and explain why there's a book about Harry's fourth year when he's only just finished fourth year. I don't have to explain everything, you know. Life contains a lot of inexplicable things that just sometimes happen. I don't see why life in a fic has to be any more logical or understandable than real life.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor the wizarding world expressed therein. Behold my grief. _

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**THE MAD ADVENTURES OF LILLIAN RIDDLE**

**CHAPTER ONE**

Lillian thumped down in the grass to read Harry Potter #4. She had read it a bazillion times already – after all, it was a Harry Potter book, and therefore destined to become cherished and hopelessly dog-eared – but was quite happy to read it again.

Lillian was very much a Harry Potter fan. She was tall for a ten year old, and slim, with sleek black hair and refined features, the most noticeable of which were the big, almost-black brown eyes that dominated her face. She was an introverted child with a love of books and an incomprehensible love of Aqua and Britney Spears songs, sherbet lollipops, and Star Wars movies. The Harry Potter books were her favorites however, being both well-written and imaginative (The Enchanted Forest Chronicles weren't quite long enough to qualify as her favorites) and possessing a villain who happened to share her surname: Riddle.

Lillian was something of an orphan. Her mother had died when she was three, and well, no one knew who her father was. She'd looked at her birth certificate once, and where her name was listed as 'LILLIAN SEMPRONIA MEROPE RIDDLE' and her mother's as 'ALEXANDRIA LAURANA CICILIA ELDRED,' the line for her father's name simply said 'unknown.' He must have been a Riddle at least, Lillian supposed, since her mother's surname was Eldred, but apart from that Lillian knew absolutely nothing about him. Not that she knew much about her mother, really; mostly a few blurred, oddly-scrambled memories of a tall, lovely woman with a cool, low voice and a graceful way of moving, who rarely lost her temper.

So, Lillian settled comfortably back into the grass to read her book, and was startled almost out of her wits when an angry voice snapped,

"_Watch it, imbecilic child!_"

She slewed round but saw no one, but was horrified to discover a snake within alarming proximity to herself.

Lillian screamed and scrambled backwards, dropping her book with a thud. It barely missed the snake.

"_Watch it!_" the snake hissed. Lillian's jaw dropped as her conceptions of the world spun dizzily.

"_W-what?_"

The snake jerked back.

For a moment the two just stared at each other, neither quite believing what they'd just heard.

"_Did you just speak to me?_" Lillian asked hesitantly. The snake tasted the air incredulously.

"_You are! You're a speaker! You're a snake speaker!_"

Its head weaved in an agitated pattern.

"_Great shells, the only other speakers are the boy-wizard and the wrong-wizard that frightens the other wizards!_"

Lillian closed her eyes for a long moment.

"_Tell me about the other wizards,_" she said finally.

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AN: Sorry this is so short! More to come!


	2. Diagon Alley

_Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would be wearing Armani, appear on television, and my blog would be much more interesting. The characters of Lillian Riddle and Trill the snake are, however, mine._

I have decided that Lillian is in fact the same age as Harry and he will therefore be starting at Hogwarts quite soon. Lillian will not be going to Hogwarts but later on she'll meet him somewhere else.

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**THE MAD ADVENTURES OF LILLIAN RIDDLE**

**CHAPTER TWO**

The note sat on the tabletop.

_Dear Auntie Joy and Uncle Ted,_

_Please don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm in the wizarding world._

…_yes, that's right, the wizarding world. I found out about it, and I know that you, Auntie Joy, are a squib, and that Mum was too, and that the Eldreds are one of the oldest pureblood lines. (Sorry if you didn't know that, Uncle Ted. I sure hope you did.)_

_Anyway, Trill (he's a snake, it turns out I'm a Parselmouth) has been helping me find out all about wizards. I have a horrible feeling that I might know who my father is, and I need to find out more. From what I know about Mum, she was probably really into Dark stuff… and since my name is Riddle (like a certain dark lord) and I can talk to snakes (also like a certain dark lord) not to mention looking disturbingly (like a certain dark lord) I need to find out if what I think is true, and if it is, then I need to work out who I am._

_I just hope I don't have a 'Luke, I am your father' moment. You know, I don't think I ever had enough sympathy for Luke Skywalker. Things aren't as important when they're movies._

_Anyway, don't worry. I'll send a postcard. _

_Love you heaps,_

_Lillian Riddle._

The adults were _so_ going to freak when they read it.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Lillian stared around Diagon Alley in awe.

"Neat!" she exclaimed. After gawking for a few minutes she made to way to Gringotts for a currency conversion.

Once that was done Lillian left and once again stared around London's biggest wizarding shopping destination. She adjusted her backpack and glanced around at Trill as his head slid out and appeared by her ear.

"_You'll need to go to Knockturn Alley,_" the snake instructed. "_You want a medallion with a glamour charm, a dimensionally-transcendent backpack with water-proofing and damage-resistance charms, as well as some weapons and defensive items in case you run into trouble. Then you'll need to buy some textbooks, before visiting Ollivanders and getting a wand._"

Lillian gave the snake a look of respect.

"_You sure know a lot,_" she remarked with a hint of awe. Trill gave a sort of serpentine shrug.

"_I've been dealing with wizards for a long time,_" he said matter-of-factly. "_And the kind of wizards who associate with snakes tend to be the ones who need to know that kind of thing."_

"_Oh."_

Lillian made her way down the dark street. Several disreputable folk leered at her. Immediately Trill slithered half-out of her backpack and hissed menacingly. At the sight of the snake on her shoulder most of them prudently decided that Lillian was not going to be an easy target and turned their interest elsewhere.

Lillian entered one of the dingy shops and peered around in the gloom.

"_They need a broom and about sixty watts more light,_" she observed.

"Can I help you?" asked an oily voice. Lillian whirled to see an elderly man eyeing her with a disturbing look.

"Um," Lillian began hesitantly, taking a step back, "I need a medallion with a glamour charm, some weapons and stuff, and a, um…" She glanced at Trill helplessly.

"_A dimensionally-transcendent backpack with water-proofing and damage-resistance charms,_" the snake recited chidingly.

"Right, a dimensionally-transcendent backpack with water-proofing and damage-resistance charms," Lillian repeated obediently. Seeing that the shopkeeper's look was still decidedly untrustworthy, Trill added one more comment.

"Oh, and my snake says that if you harm one hair on my head or do anything to bring me to harm then he and his cobra friends will get you some night while you're sleeping and make you die an agonizing death," Lillian clarified.

The man gulped and eyed the serpent nervously.

"I rarely harm customers," he protested. Lillian blinked.

" 'Rarely?'" she repeated.

"Never, I never harm customers!" the shopkeeper corrected himself hastily.

"Alright," Lillian nodded, "that's good to hear. The items, please?"

Trill hissed in encouragement. The man fled, sweating profusely.

While he was gone, Lillian had a wander around the store. When the owner finally re-entered the room, he found his diminutive customer staring in fascination at a slim sword with a silver hilt in the shape of intertwined snakes.

_Oh, fuck,_ thought Borgin glumly. _Not Slytherin's sword. A parseltongue-bound sword in the hands of a parselmouth is not a good thing. Particularly when agents of the Dark Lord will come looking for it sooner or later and 'crucio' me if I don't have it._

"I want this sword," Lillian announced, tapping on the glass of the cabinet where the sword was displayed.

"Of course, ma'am," Borgin agreed, while inside his head a small figure screamed, _Bad thing! Bad thing!_

"Here, however, is the backpack you requested, and one of our highest-quality disguise medallions."

Lillian first examined the backpack – "Hey, it's like a small carryable TARDIS in here!" she exclaimed as her head vanished into it – before trying the medallion and viewing her illusory appearance in the mirror.

"Neat!" Lillian exclaimed. She now appeared to be tall and curly-haired, with an oddly-indistinct face. She put up a hand to touch her hair, and sure enough seemed to feel a set of loose ringlets clustered around her head.

"Neat," Lillian said again. "How come my face is all blurry?"

"The medallion," Borgin explained," hiding his impatience under a façade of creeping servility, "is designed to give you an illusion of height and hair that is different to your own while obscuring your features, so that while your identity is concealed it is unnecessary to take on anyone else's."

"Oh."

Lillian stared at her reflection for a moment more before turning back to the proprietor.

"I'll take this, the backpack and the sword, thanks."

Ten minutes later a tall young woman in muggle clothes emerged from Borgin & Burke's wearing a backpack and wearing a sheathed sword at her hip, a snake curled around her neck and shoulders. She was hissing quietly to her companion, oblivious to the dangers of the alley, while the snake hissed back. The alleys inhabitants stayed well out of her path.

"_Books now?_" Lillian questioned. Trill gave an assenting hiss.

Lillian made her way to Flourish and Blott's, eyes gleaming as she entered the store. This was the place that could give her the knowledge she needed. Lillian collected several first-year and second-year text books before looking for items of personal interest.

" '_101 Essential Curses and Counter-Curses_,'" Lillian read out. " '_An Essential Wizarding Traveller's Guide.' 'The Muggle's Introduction to the Wizarding World.' _"

Lillian didn't really think she needed that one, considering how she'd read all the Harry Potter books, but decided to add it to her pile anyway. After all, there wasn't much about governmental and societal structure in the books, so maybe this one'd be useful after all. Lillian continued on.

Eventually she made her way up to the counter, staggering slightly under the enormous pile, and dumped the books in front of the cashier with a thump. Sighing with relief, Lillian looked up into a pair of amused blue eyes.

"Enjoy reading, do we?" asked the man, smiling slightly. Lillian smiled sheepishly. "I never knew magic was real before," she explained, tracing patterns on the floor with the toe of her sneaker.

"Ah, I see," the man mused. "Never been to Diagon Alley before, then?"

Lillian shook her head.

"Well, good luck," he replied. "Hope you have a good time. That'll be 43 galleons."

Lillian fished out the money and proceeded to stuff all the books into her new backpack, which remained as lightweight as before. Sending a last smile in the shopkeeper's direction, Lillian left for her last destination, Ollivander's, while Trill slipped into her slightly-open backpack.

Lillian entered the shop only to find it seemingly deserted.

"Hello?" she asked curiously.

"Greetings, young one," said a voice. Lillian jumped and spun around to see an elderly, rather unnerving-looking man standing behind her.

"Uh, hi," Lillian said nervously. "I, um, need a wand."

"I see, I see," murmured Ollivander. "Which is your wand arm?"

"My left," Lillian replied. She watched with interest as Ollivander searched through boxes of wands. She cleared her throat cautiously.

"Um, I think I might be good with a phoenix feather core, or some part of a basilisk," she told him. Ollivander gazed at her with a long, drawn-out "ahhh" and moved to another section of the shop. He reappeared with a long thin box from which he removed the wand

"Powdered basilisk scale, twelve and a half inches, made of elder wood," Ollivander breathed. "It is the only wand within this store with a core made from a basilisk." He passed it to her carefully.

Lillian was surprised at the wand. It was long and slim, the color reminiscent of toffee, but what caught her attention was the elaborate embellishments that the wand possessed. The handle was fairly simple, although carefully done, but the main section was inscribed with various runes and featured an intricate carving of a snake winding its way around the wand.

"One of the oldest wands currently for sale," Ollivander said. "The only remaining wand crafted by my grandfather."

Lillian gave up looking at the wand – beautiful as it was, she wasn't here to examine it – and gave it a wave. A jet of brilliant green light shot out of it, hit a dusty, empty vase sitting on one of the bookcases and shattered it, sending pieces of china flying everywhere. Lillian had reflexively brought her arms up to cover her face and as she brought them down, Trill hissing angrily but wordlessly (the shock had seemingly rendered him speechless), she looked mortified as she saw the mess she had accidentally created.

"Not to worry," Ollivander assured her as she opened her mouth to apologise. His eyes were gleaming as he scrutinised his embarrassed customer, taking notice of the snake now peering form her shoulder.

"It is not every day that I find a customer capable of wielding a wand of such power," he continued. "The wand chooses the wizard," he breathed, eyes unnaturally piercing, "or in this case, the witch, and you will no doubt grow up to be exceedingly powerful. We can expect great things from you, Miss Riddle, great things indeed, no matter which path you may choose to take."

Lillian was so unnerved that it wasn't until she had left the store that she realized that she had never told the wandmaker her name.

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Chapters will get longer as I get more into the story.

I know, I know, the wand thing was somewhat Mary Sue. But it's so hard to resist. Anyway, I don't know about basilisks scales, but according to a site I looked at:

"The Elder Moon's qualities include death and regeneration, the Crone phase of the Goddess, wisdom, transformation, and the Underworld.

Elder is sacred to Wiccans. Elder shows the path through the maze, the spiral path that leads within, and the meeting place where birth and death are one."


	3. Hello Belgium

_Disclaimer: Someone else is making millions from dear ol' Harry; ergo, he is not mine._

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**THE MAD ADVENTURES OF LILLIAN RIDDLE**

**CHAPTER THREE**

Lillian picked up the phone and dialed carefully.

"_Welcome to the Ministry of Magic,_" said a cool female voice. "_Please state your name and business._"

"Um," said Lillian. "Lillian Riddle. I'm here because I want to get a portkey overseas."

"_Thank you. Visitor, please take the badge and attach it to the front of your robes."_

There was a _plink_ and a badge appeared in the coin output area of the phone. Lillian grabbed it as the phone booth began moving downwards.

"_Lillian Riddle, International Portkey Procurement_," Lillian read. She looked up as the booth stopped moving and stepped out into the Atrium. It really was impressive, she thought, staring at the brilliant, shifting ceiling.

Slowly Lillian made her way to the golden gates at the far end of the room.

"Wand, please!" droned a bored-looking Auror. Lillian handed it to him.

"Powdered basilisk scale, twelve and a half inches, elder," the man read out. "Thankyou, have a nice day," and he handed it back to her.

Lillian moved on. After a few minutes she realized that she had absolutely no idea where she was going. She stopped and looked around a little helplessly.

"_Where now?_" she asked Trill.

"_No idea,_" he replied. "_People don't usually take snakes in here. Don't want to upset security._"

Lillian looked around and noticed a couple of men further ahead, talking. She jogged forward in their direction.

"Excuse me," she asked politely, making them swing around in surprise, "but could you tell me where I go for international portkeys?"

The round man scowled irritably at her while the blonde one sneered a little.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Lillian Riddle," Lillian said. She added helpfully, "my mum was Alexandria Eldred."

The round man's expression underwent a gratifying change, while the blonde man's eyes widened and narrowed.

"Eldred?" the round man said in surprise. He continued jovially, "Why, everyone knows the Eldreds! Went to school with Sempronius, myself …although that was before he became a Death Eater, of course," he added hastily, and coughed in a somewhat embarrassed fashion.

"Indeed," said the blonde man. Lillian, seeing the long hair and old fashioned clothes, and more importantly the perpetually disdainful expression, suspected that he was Lucius Malfoy. His eyes were watching her calculatingly.

"I don't recall seeing any marriage notices for Alexandria Eldred," he inquired lightly, "although of course that would have been some time ago?..."

Lillian blushed a little.

"My mother never got married, no," she replied, looking at her feet. The round man coughed again.

"Now, now, Lucius, don't go asking embarrassing questions," he scolded. He patted Lillian on the shoulder kindly. "Well, well, don't worry, Lillian, it happens to everyone – well, not everyone, but you know what I mean – and I'm sure that no one's going cut you just because you were born out of wedlock… the Eldreds are a highly respected family, after all …your father is a wizard, of course?"

"Of course," Lillian repeated.

"Riddle, you said your name was?" Lucius queried thoughtfully, and Lillian nodded.

"I seeeee," and the word was drawn out. "I fancy that I met your father once or twice, Miss Riddle. I remember when he and Alexandria were, ah, together."

The blood drained slowly from Lillian's face.

"You knew him?" she repeated, trying to keep her cool. "Really? I never knew him myself. He died when I was small."

"Indeed," Lucius agreed, using the word for the second time in only a few minutes. "He died some ten years ago, as I recall. Although they never did have proof that he actually died, did they?"

Lillian thought she was going to faint. She swayed dizzily.

The round man gave an agitated shout and immediately supported her.

"Really, Lucius!" he said angrily. "You ought to show more sensitivity!"

"My apologies," drawled Malfoy. "I'm afraid that I need to be on my way, Cornelius. Urgent matters to attend to." He bowed and went sweeping off down the corridor.

Lillian kept her eyes closed.

_My father is Lord Voldemort._ She'd suspected – no, more than suspected, been fairly sure – but all the same, finding out that it was true – oh, it was horrible. She wanted to throw up.

After a moment Lillian opened her eyes to find the round man looking concernedly at her. Cornelius, Malfoy had called him.

_Cornelius Fudge_, she realized.

Lillian gave him a shaky, apologetic smile.

"I'm so sorry, Mr Fudge," she began, but he waved away her apology.

"No need, no need!" he said expansively. "I understand, delicate sensibilities."

"I never really found out what exactly happened to my father," Lillian felt the need to explain, "so I was a bit shocked to find out that they might not have proof… that for all we know, he might still be walking around somewhere…"

_Or slithering…_

Fudge patted her shoulder.

"There, there. Now, what was it you wanted? Portkeys, wasn't it?"

"An international portkey," Lillian confirmed.

Cornelius Fudge escorted her all the way to the Portkeys Office, evidently feeling that finding her way there was too great a task for Lillian's nerves.

"M'mother had delicate sensibilities too," he confided as they entered the Portkeys Office. "Slightest thing sent her into off into the vapours."

Lillian thanked him as he left, privately thinking that Mrs Fudge must have had a good deal going if she got this kind of treatment all the time. She walked up to the 'International' window and greeted the lady there.

"Hi," Lillian chirped, looking up at the lady through the glass. "I'd like an intenratinal portkey."

"Where to?" asked the woman, in the same uninspired tone as the auror at the Atrium gates.

Lillian thought about it.

"Where do they go?"

The woman sighed.

"There's a portkey to Brussels in fifteen minutes, and one to Paris half an hour after that," she replied. "There's a New York portkey at twelve, one to Sydney at 1.30pm, and a Cairo at 4.15pm."

"I'll take the Belgian portkey," Lillian decided. The woman passed her a small plaque with the legend 'Official Portkey British Ministry of Magic' on it.

Lillian hung around the Portkey Office, chatting to a young man on his way to France, until her portkey activated. There was a yank from behind her navel, and she was suddenly rushing along at great speed, before tumbling to her knees somewhere completely different.

The Belgian official looked sideways at her. Lillian looked up.

"Hi."

The official snorted to himself and helped her to her feet.

"Welcome to Belgium," he said in heavily accented English. He handed her something in a small vinyl packet. Lillian immediately opened it to find a small thing like a ticket pushed in behind the clear plastic window.

"This is your pass," the man said patiently. "Do not lose it. It proves that you entered the country legally. "

Next came a small plastic bag with the phrase 'See Belgium!' on the side.

"Contained in here are leaflets and brochures about accommodation, restaurants, and tours," the man continued. Lillian peeked in the bag and saw a free quill and pot of ink in there. She pulled them out. They had the same logo as the bag.

The official cleared his throat and regarded her severely.

"Sorry," Lillian said in a small voice. She stuck the quill and the ink back in the bag.

"To exit the Ministry of Magic, go through that door," he continued after a moment, pointing at a door on the other side of the room. "Should you have any inquiries, go through the second door there to the International Office. May I have your portkey, please?"

Lillian hastily gave it to him.

"Thanks," she said, and made her way across to the first door.

Lillian wandered around Brussels interestedly. People seemed to be speaking either Dutch or French, although she caught the occasional 'Danke.' Eventually Lillian stopped in at a café.

Sitting down with a coffee, after some confused dialogue with the waitress, Lillina put her backpack on the chair next to her and waited for Trill to stick his head out.

He didn't.

Lillian opened the bag and peered in, enough to hear quiet, hissing snores. She giggled and zipped her bag shut again. Poor Trill. He must have been rather bored.

Lillian upended her 'See Belgium!' bag onto the café table. The quill and inkpot rolled around, and Lillian picked them up and cast an Impermeable charm (she'd been reading) so that the inkpot wouldn't break before sticking both in her backpack.

There was a booklet on accommodation and several brochures for restaurants, and a black-and-white leaflet advertising a youth motel. As well as these, there was a small 'E' pendant attached to a card saying 'English French Translator' at the top. Lillian had a look at it.

"_Translates the wearer's words from English into French,_" Lillian read. She went hunting through her backpack for a piece of string, slinging the pendant along it and tying it around her neck where it clinked against the disguise medallion.

Lillian was crossing the road when a bright red, double-decker bus came squealing around the corner right at her.

Lillian screamed.

The bus screeched to a hasty stop several centimeters from her face.

The bus door opened and several young men fell out. Righting themselves, they began apologizing profusely in a mixture of Italian, English and French.

"You nearly hit me!" Lillian said indignantly; but thanks to the pendant her mouth formed odd and difficult shapes instead, so that what came out was "toi presque porter moi!"

Unfortunately people rarely put a great deal of effort into free items, and this pendant was no exception; what came out was a string of words that conveyed the ideas that she wanted to convey, but that utterly failed to resemble a sentence.

Some of the young men couldn't help laughing.

"That charm's useless, luv," said one of the young men, grinning apologetically. "'Fraid yeh'll make be'er sense talkin' plain English."

A woman stuck her head out of the window.

"Wot's takin' so long?" she called out indignantly. The young man turned to yell back,

"almos' 'it a pedestrian, Rose!"

"Yeh bleedin' idiots!" Rose wore a look of consternation. "One o' these day yeh're gonna get you'sel' arrested, 'at's wot!"

Lillian had by now recovered and was looking interested.

"Are you all traveling around in this bus?" she asked.

"Yep," said a second English speaker; the first was now in the middle of a screaming match with Rose, who was by now half hanging out of the window in order to scream better. "It belongs to the two Poms currently exchanging pleasantries over there. We're just a bunch o' hitchhikers they've taken in. Name's Bob."

"Lillian," Lillian replied. "Think that they'd let me on?"

"Aww, pretty sure," said Bob, with a grin. He was tanned and had a broad accent that Lillian couldn't identify.

"Where're you from?" Lillian asked him curiously.

"Melbourne," he replied simply. Seeing her look of puzzlement, he added, "Australia."

"Oh," Lillian said. Since she felt she ought to say something more, she added, "I'm British."

Bob suddenly started back.

"Bloody hell!" he cried out. "There's a bloody snake in yah backpack! I'll get it for ya!"

"It's okay!" Lillian assured her alarmed companions. "That's just Trill. He's my pet snake."

"_If they come for me, I'm biting your ear and never letting go_," Trill warned. "_And you'll have my cobra friends to deal with. And you don't want that. Cobras are like the Mob for snakes."_

Lillian stared at her friend.

"_There's a Mob for snakes?_" she repeated. "_And you have _connections_ to the Mob for snakes?_"

"_Uh-huh,_" Trill nodded his little snake head. Lillian stared a moment more before shaking hers. Snakes were weird. Especially Trill.

"Parselmouth, huh?" asked Bob. "That's right useful, that is. We've got a couple back home and they're always on demand, people wanting taipans and red-bellied blacks removed from their homes."

Lillian blinked.

"You don't think I'm a dark wizard?"

"Hell no," Bob replied. "Those Brits might, but hell, the Poms have all kinds of dumb-arse ideas. I mean, look at how they play cricket."

"Right," Lillian agreed, deciding that Bob, in his way, was as weird as Trill. "Glad to know you don't think I'm evil, anyway."

"Course not. And it's not like you're heir to a Dark Throne, is it mate?" Bob joked.

Lillian winced. Bob stared.

"Bloody hell," he said weakly, "you don't mean… _Jesus Christ!_" he yelled. "You mean you _are_ heir to a Dark Throne?"

Rose and her boyfriend stopped screaming at each other to join the others in staring. Lillian had her face buried in her hands.

"_All right, stupid, I'm going to bite you,_" warned Trill. "_Stay very still so I can sink my sharp fangs into your nose."_

"Cripes," Bob said, still sounding stunned but otherwise more normal. "Geez, I didn't mean to upset you… look, I don't care, I was just surprised."

Lillian peeked out from in between her fingers at him. One sincere-looking Australian gazed back. Lillian sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

Bob's eyes narrowed.

"How old are you really?" he asked shrewdly. "Come on, no adult wipes their eyes like that."

Lillian gulped.

"Eleven," she replied in a small voice. "I ran away from my aunt and uncle to see if Voldemort was my dad. And he _is_." She sniffed again.

"You're coming with us," Bob said with determination, appearing not to hear the Voldemort speech. "You're way too young to be traipsing round by yourself. Come on, I'll introduce you to the others."

He gave his warm grin, and Lillian, after a look of agreement from Trill, boarded the bus behind him.

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**OMAKE 5 for my fanfic 'Vengeance':**

Snape comes to himself slowly and groans. Man, his head hurts. And why does he feel like he's moving?

Snape opens one bleary eye to find himself in a double decker bus filled with cheerful Italians who cheer as they see that he's awake.

"Il nostro amico turisto e sveglio!" cries one.

("_Our fellow tourist has awakened!"_)

"_TWINS!_" screams Snape.

A thousand miles away, someone quietly crosses out the sentence,

'Kidnap Snape in his sleep and relocate him to Belgium.'

_AN:_

_Fudge-_

_Some people might not agree with how I've portrayed Fudge here. Personally I feel that Fudge is not really a bad character, just a weak one, and while the pressures aren't too much he remains a fairly kindly, blustering, not-too-bright soul. He couldn't face the possibility of Voldemort being back, though, so he convinced himself that Harry Potter, Dumbledore and co. were wicked and I think that he genuinely believed it. If he hadn't been unfortunate enough to have Voldemort return during his period of office, I think he would have simply continued to be somewhat incompetent and bumbling rather than turning a bit nasty._

_Australians and Brits –_

_Rose is based on a character of the same name from _Doctor Who._ The Britspeak is based mostly on my watching of aforementioned show. Aussie speech is based on speech of those around me, since I'm Australian myself._

_Cricket-_

_Come on, we _always _win at cricket. :)_


	4. Meanwhile

_Disclaimer: Still not mine._

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**THE MAD ADVENTURES OF LILLIAN RIDDLE**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

_We now interrupt this irregularly scheduled program…_

88888888888

Lucius Malfoy stepped into the fire and came out in Severus Snape's private quarters. Severus, absorbed in a bottle of vintage port, scowled as he noticed who had entered. Damn. Lucius would want him to _share_.

"Good evening, Severus," Lucius greeted him courteously.

"Lucius," Severus said curtly.

"You know, I had a most interesting meeting this afternoon," Lucius continued on, impervious to his less-than-warm welcome. "I was speaking to Cornelius about a little donation to the Ministry" –_goddamn name dropper_, Severus thought sourly – "when who should ask us for directions but a young lady under some kind of disguising charms."

"Really?" Severus' voice was sarcastic. "How… fascinating, Lucius."

"It became so, my dear Severus," Lucius returned, "when she revealed her name to be Lillian Riddle."

Severus stiffened, the grip on his glass of port tightening.

"Now, you are aware, I believe, that my cane here allows me to see past certain illusionary charms?... You are? Good. Well, my dear Severus, what particularly interested me was that I was able to see that not only was the young lady quite young – I would say, about Draco's age – but quite the image of our lord at a similar age. I hinted at the possibility of her father being our lord… quite discreetly, I couldn't have Cornelius catching on, after all… and she turned quite pale and almost fainted. What do you say to that, Severus?"

Severus said nothing, preferring to take a large gulp of port instead. Lucius smiled faintly, and pouring himself a glass, joined him.

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Ted glared at Joy. She glared back just as fiercely.

"And when were you planning on telling me this?" he asked finally, voice like ice.

"Never!" Joy snapped. "I'd left the wizarding world for _good!_ They saw me as an inferior because I didn't have magic! I'd left that world _behind!_"

"Really?" Ted's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "And what did you plan to have happen when Lillian turned out to be a witch?"

Joy slumped suddenly.

"Not have her go." She sounded depressed. "I know the kinds of people Lexy used to hang around with, and Lillian's father was probably one of them. With that kind of heritage, can you imagine what would happen?"

"What about this letter?" Ted said suddenly. "About Luke Skywalker and all that? What's she going on about?"

Joy slumped.

"You-Know-Who' name was originally Tom Riddle."

Ted gaped.

"And knowing Lexy, it's quite possible!" Joy burst out. "Always hanging around with the wrong crowd, just like Uncle Sempronius! It'd be just like her to end up having the Dark Lord's baby!"

Ted sighed.

"I think you need to keep explaining," he said tiredly.

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Minerva McGonagall was putting the Hogwarts letters into their envelopes when one of the names made her gasp.

A few minutes later Dumbledore was happily eating lemon drops when she burst into his office, clutching a piece of parchment and an envelope. She thrust them wordlessly at it.

Raising his eyebrows, Albus took them from her and looked at them.

_Lillian Riddle_

_Double-Decker Bus_

_Travelling through Belgium_

The letter was an ordinary Hogwarts letter, but it too ha the surprising name.

"Albus – " Minerva said breathlessly, half-fearful, "you don't think-?"

"Indeed," he said thoughtfully. "I would say that, at some point, Voldemort became a father."

It was a very good thing that Quirrell wasn't listening to their conversation.

The reply arrived a week later.

_Dear Hogwarts_

_Thank you very much for your offer. I am sure you are a very fine school, but I am afraid I must regretfully decline as I am on a tour of Europe right now. Don't worry, I am learning from my textbooks and from my friends so my education is okay. Bob even taught me a spell to cool beer. Thank you for your letter, though._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Lillian Sempronia Merope Riddle_

Albus put it away thoughtfully. He had a feeling that sooner or later he would meet this young lady. He had no doubt that it would be a highly interesting meeting.

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_Dear Auntie Joy and Uncle Ted,_

_Hi! I'm fine. I'm in Belgium right now, the postcard's got a really nice photo of part of Brussels. Nice, don't you think?_

_I'm traveling with a bunch of hitchhikers on a magical double-decker bus. They're all great! They figured that since I was only eleven I needed supervision, but they're really fun. _

_Will write again soon._

_Love Lillian_

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